The Couch Next Door
Happy Hour meets Therapy on The Couch Next Door. Each episode blends real conversations, laughter, and a touch of courage as we dive into life’s messy, beautiful, and downright unpredictable moments. From relationships and mental health to personal growth and everything in between, we’re here to keep it real, relatable, and refreshingly honest. Each episode is hosted by Candice Fraser, a licensed professional counselor with a distinctive approach to therapy and a mission to inspire and equip her audience through compelling stories and conversations within the mental health landscape. Candice's couch is a comfortable place to learn how to care for ourselves and those around us well. Come hang out!
The Couch Next Door
Generational Trauma: Recognizing Patterns & Knowing What to do Next (with Alyssa Scarano, LPC)
Generational trauma is definitely a buzz term in the mental health space — and although that opens up the door for more conversation on the topic, it can also leave us feeling unsure of what to do with the information. That’s why I knew it was so important to explore this topic on the podcast.
In today’s episode, I sit down with Alyssa Scarano, LPC Founder and Clinical Director of The Collective Therapy & Wellness and unpack what generational trauma actually looks like, how to recognize it in your own life, and how we may still be participating in patterns that were passed down to us.
One powerful takeaway to keep in mind as you listen:
“Two opposing thoughts can be true at the same time.”
This concept comes up throughout our conversation and is key to navigating the complexities of generational trauma and also guiding the next steps toward healing.
Find Alyssa Scarano, LPC
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/collective.therapy.wellness
Related episodes from The Couch Next Door:
Story Work (with Chassie Anders)
Reparenting the Inner Child (Quick Check-In)
Related Reading:
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you
SPEAKER_02:There, and welcome to The Couch Next Door, where a happy hour meets a therapy session. I'm your host, Candice Frazier, a licensed professional counselor. Each week, I'm honored to have a friend come sit on my couch, and we'll dive into an area of mental health that is impacting their world. We'll definitely laugh, probably cry, and maybe go on a rant or two, because we are all humans full of emotions. Come hang out with us. Generational trauma is definitely a buzz term in the mental health space, which is what makes it so important for me to include it as a topic on my podcast. Alyssa Scarano is an LPC and founder and clinical director of the Collective Therapy and Wellness Practice. She's known for her empathetic and compassionate approach. Alyssa views her work as a profound privilege, an opportunity to be invited into the most intimate and vulnerable parts of her clients' lives. She specialized Self-compassion. So in this conversation with Alyssa, we not only address how to identify patterns of generational trauma, but also identify how we might still be participating in it. This includes noticing our own emotions, working towards regulation of our emotions, and reparenting our inner child so that the generational patterns can change. Y'all, this is all covered in this conversation that you're about to listen to. As you listen, I want you to remember something that Alyssa mentioned several times. Two opposing thoughts can be This is a very important concept to remember when we're addressing generational trauma. One more thing before we jump into my conversation. I am officially on Substack. So if you've been enjoying the mental health content that I share on the podcast, we can keep those conversations going. If you join the couch crew, do that by subscribing to Candice512.substack.com and all the encouragement and content will land straight in your inbox. You can find the link in the show notes. All right, y'all. Here is my conversation with Alyssa. Scorano. Am I saying it right? I feel like I'm saying it very Texas.
SPEAKER_00:It's okay. Scorano.
SPEAKER_02:Scorano. Scorano. Scorano. Okay. Like soprano, but Scorano. Okay.
SPEAKER_00:I love it. Yep.
SPEAKER_02:I don't
SPEAKER_00:know. Dang it. I've never heard that before, so I'm going to use that. Okay. Scorano.
SPEAKER_02:All right, Alyssa Scarano, thank you so much for coming on The Couch Next Door. I'm so excited for this conversation.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you, Candice. I'm so excited to be here.
SPEAKER_02:Well, tell us a little bit about yourself. What are the things that we need to know to know about you? You can tell us about your family, your business. What is there to know about you?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, so my practice is very near and dear to my heart. It's really always been a vision of mine to kind of create this like one stop like shop come and you can have therapy or you can be connected to a larger community, whether that's in group counseling or in a workshop or even just in a virtual space through like a chat room. And you've get a little bit of everything, some mindfulness, some yoga, some, you know, attention to what you put into your body in forms of nutrition and making, you know, healthy choices and, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah. Or just one of those things. So we really wanted to just create a space where people can feel like they belong. And we're seeing for the whole of who they are and offering something that addresses each piece. I love
SPEAKER_02:that. So tell me, what is your practice name?
SPEAKER_00:The Collective Therapy and Wellness.
SPEAKER_02:The Collective Therapy and Wellness, which that is exactly what it is. What a perfect name.
SPEAKER_00:A bunch of us working together collectively for the collective.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. And so what does that look like when you've got these various, you know, various therapists, various like disciplines that are working with a client? How do y'all sort of collectively work together for this, maybe one particular client? What
SPEAKER_00:does that tend to look like? with one of the coaches, which they're actually licensed or trained in their respective areas. So self-love coach, she just works on self-love, but she is a licensed clinical social worker. So her whole program is backed by like cognitive behavioral therapy and political theory. Our mindfulness meditation teacher is a registered yoga teacher and certified mindfulness teacher. And our nutritionist is a certified nutritionist. And so you'll get, when you're a current client, you get access to any workshop or group therapy option that we offer at no cost. You'll have access to any of those wellness packages at no cost for, you know, like three to five sessions with the coach. If you want to branch off, that's, you know, a relationship you build with the coach. So we try to make it, you know, accessible. Oh, I love
SPEAKER_02:that. Wow. I mean, it really is like a one-stop shop. Like if you need multi-layered treatment or you don't, or just one, I mean, there's a lot of different, it sounds like a lot of different things people can branch out into within your practice. That's so cool. I love that. And so tell me, which states do y'all serve? Because like you said, there's multiple states that are served within your practice. So what states can people be from to access y'all's services?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So if you want to work with a coach, you can work with a coach no matter where you are. But therapy-wise, We are right now, we're working with Florida, Missouri. I don't know why I know this list off the back of my head. Florida, Missouri, New Jersey, New York, and Texas. Okay,
SPEAKER_02:awesome.
SPEAKER_00:Five states.
SPEAKER_02:That's
SPEAKER_00:great.
SPEAKER_02:I mean, I think that's the thing that COVID gave us is more accessibility to therapy. You know, I mean, COVID was terrible. And it also broadened this idea for therapists to be able to serve people not in their state. And that was not something that, I mean, I never thought that this would be like virtual therapy would be like a mainstream thing. And I'm so thankful it is. It just makes it so much more accessible for people.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Because you can do it on your lunch break or you can do it before you go home from work or depending on what your work schedule is. I mean, it just, it can more seamlessly fit into your day, into your week. I know. Yeah. It just makes it that much more accessible versus having to figure out who's going to watch the kids. And you know,
SPEAKER_02:an hour away is more like two hours. with the people and there's not as many restrictions as there was once was so so cool I love it love what you're doing thank you yeah okay and you are married and you have a one child correct okay nice so your life is full because of running a practice is like you know having a baby
SPEAKER_00:yes it's funny because I do look at it like it is my second child absolutely
SPEAKER_02:yeah Yeah,
SPEAKER_00:I joke around, but it's true. Like it took me, I want to say nine to 10 months to like write the copy of my original website and to get that up and running from the inside out. That's it. Or whatever it is that you're doing, like a listener here is doing, if you are an entrepreneur yourself, it's like, if you're really connected and present with the prep, with the business, it's going to tell you what it needs next. Like, where are you at? What is it needing? What is it struggling with? And where can it benefit from some more support? And just
SPEAKER_02:like with kids. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So
SPEAKER_02:yeah, we have to be present and listen to what the business needs, for sure. And have the capacity, right, to then meet that need.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Give yourselves grace the whole way. Trust in the process. So
SPEAKER_02:true. So true. All right, Alyssa. Well, do you have a rant for us today that you'd like to go on? Okay.
SPEAKER_00:Adulting.
SPEAKER_02:Adulting. Yes.
SPEAKER_00:When you're young, you're in such a rush, such a rush to grow up and like have all this freedom. And then, yeah, you become an adult and you realize like I am more– trapped than I ever was you know 100% like this was all a scam and I want my money back like all I'm doing is working to pay the bills which then I just have to work to continue to live right
SPEAKER_02:yes when does the fun part happen that's what I would like to
SPEAKER_00:know right
SPEAKER_02:yeah
SPEAKER_00:I'm
SPEAKER_02:still
SPEAKER_00:waiting
SPEAKER_02:well and I mean just I I mean, we could go on and on about just the cost of adulting. Like, I just put four new tires on my minivan. Like, that would be kind of a mini vacation. But no, I had to put tires on my van to get these kids where they need to go. Yeah,
SPEAKER_00:same. We just replaced all the tires on my car, and now the brakes need to be replaced. And then I renewed the registration, and now I got an alert that it's time for an inspection. And I'm like, when?
SPEAKER_02:When does it stop? I know. I know. I know. And I feel like every time, like if we have a little extra money, it then goes to something related to being an adult. It's not like a shopping spree or a fun vacation. It's tires, toilet paper, you know, a car inspection.
SPEAKER_00:Yep. Yeah. And thankfully, right? Thankfully that is how, you know, it works out somehow. Sometimes, yeah. Yeah. yeah it's but I don't know I wish I would have known like something I tell young people now or younger people is don't be in such a rush like you're only a kid for like a short amount of time like not even 18 years like 17 maybe you know then you're an adult and that's it well
SPEAKER_02:and I know I think that's really even good that you're speaking to that too because I think also in our culture now I think even when I was growing up, it was like, you need to figure out what you're going to do. You need to figure out what you're going to do. But I feel like it's even worse now. I have a kid going into high school this coming year, and they have these things now called pathways, which is essentially you're picking a major for high school. And I'm like, he's 14. He doesn't know. I didn't know at 18. Do you know how many times I changed my major? So what are we doing to these kids, making them decide what they want to do for the rest of lives when their brains are not even close to being fully formed.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah. For all those years. Right. They're told who to be, how to act, what to do and how to do it.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And all of a sudden it's like, OK, pick like how you don't even
SPEAKER_02:know who you are in the world. There's too many options to like because I mean, I think that's also a good narrative is you can do anything you want to do. But
SPEAKER_00:that's really
SPEAKER_02:overwhelming.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And, you know, you do have to pick it so quickly. Right. Like before you even have had a minute to, you know, just get out Yeah. And then you think like, okay, well, what's the alternative? Not having that be part of the conversation? Like, no, but to have it figured out at that age and for it to be the thing, like how many of us as adults really have all kind of looked back at one point and feeling, we should have done something different.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, and I also think because of like this idea, like you were saying, we're, you know, kids being so quick to want to grow up. Like, I think there's also mental opportunity to go explore the world, right? Like to go explore yourself in the world because you got to graduate high school and then you got to go to college and then you got to go get a job and then, you know, move up the corporate ladder or whatever it is that there isn't that time and space necessarily that's encouraged to go figure yourself out so that you can have lived experiences to then know what you actually want to do. So I love that. That's such good advice. Yeah. If you're graduating high school, go like, I don't know your parents probably will hate me for saying this but like go explore like go to Europe I don't know go do something fun because you know there will be a time when you just it's harder to do that
SPEAKER_00:yep yep and you know I think the other thing is is like if you're if you're also not sure and that's not an option like take classes that interest you yeah you know right because I'm a big believer of if you're interested in it you're gonna find something you know along the way and don't let Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And I
SPEAKER_02:mean, I think some of that too is like exploring some of those like inventories of like figuring out what you're good at. Like you said, if there's something that interests you, okay, maybe that's something that you can actually make a career out of. Let's explore what parts of that you really like. But I don't know that they do that. Yeah, no, that's
SPEAKER_00:a good point. I don't remember that. I don't know that they do that now, like those assessments in terms of like strengths and, you know, what field might you be, you know, suited for and things like that. That would be really smart
SPEAKER_02:to incorporate. Okay. Okay. So the rant is, if you're young, don't rush to grow up. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:no and how nice would it be to like hold on to that like innocence and naivety a little bit longer you know and one of the reasons I like I have a four-year-old and I'm like just where our whole life is about imagination yeah I can't I'm not ready to let it go yeah
SPEAKER_02:yeah yeah well and I think that is that is one of the the gifts of parenting too it does kind of help us to to connect with our younger selves again almost like gives us more permission to do that than if we weren't in that world so I love that that does give us a little bit of a relief from all the adulting when we have little kids around yeah yeah okay which I think this is a great segue actually to what we're talking about today isn't it with generational trauma so I you know we we got to meet and chat what about a month or so ago and I felt like our conversation was just so easy and I know a lot of the work that you do is all around relationships which I that's some of the my favorite work to do with clients is just really digging into what relationships look like how can they be healthy how can you be honored and also honor those around you really well and so I know something that you and I spoke about when we first met was the work that you do with clients around generational trauma and so can you tell us a little bit about like what I mean I think that's kind of a buzzword a lot of people are hearing generational trauma what does that really mean like what what what kind of things should we be aware of that might indicate there's general generational trauma going on I
SPEAKER_00:think the way to really answer that is like first like let's talk about how it all comes to be right like and the truth is is that when we go back to our family of origin and we look at what are the dynamics that I saw? What are the dynamics that I kind of was exposed to and then inadvertently participated in, in some way, shape or form, right? If I was like the peacekeeper or the officer of compliance and like just never really pushed boundaries or spoke up, or if I, you know, over-functioned as a kid to manage everybody else's emotions because there was so much conflict at home, like that is a role that I learned to play very young. You know, if I had Right. our own, what shapes our own self-talk, right? Is it often comes from the way our caregivers, our attachment figures or authority figures spoke to and of us. That becomes the language that we develop or learn to describe ourselves. And so, you know, the way we see our parents or caregivers interact, right? That is the idea of love, or that is how conflict is either handled or not handled. And so we're talking about generational trauma. It's what happens in childhood, right? The way our parents act or respond in times of stressor or conflict or how even like things like money are viewed, right? If money was always scarce, right? And it was always something that you had to work really hard to obtain. And as soon as it came, it left, right? That can become the narrative of what it means for money or financial stability growing up as you grow up into adulthood for yourself. Now, our parents, you know, behavior, right, came from what their childhood was. And things just get carried on and carried on and carried on. And where we, I think, sometimes don't see it truthfully is in our relationships. And, you know, let's say that you grew up in a house where mom, I mean, this is just an example, maybe mom did everything for everybody. And dad, I'm making this one up, but like dad was kind of there. but providing and things like that and maybe that caused distance between mom and dad you know you might go on as the woman and be the same way in your relationship and then there's distance in your relationship with your husband and it comes out as anger and resentment irritability but really that's like I don't know how to ask for help
SPEAKER_02:right because I don't even know what that looks like because that's not ever what I saw yeah
SPEAKER_00:I'd be a burden if I did ask for help. And so, yeah, breaking that generational pattern is first like learning, like, what is the pattern? How and why am I still participating in it, right? Because at the same time, there's something I'm getting out of it. So if we're using that example of over-functioning,
SPEAKER_01:well,
SPEAKER_00:strengthen that, right? Like, I'm strong. I don't need anybody. So perhaps that's the thing that's keeping it in place. And Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:what I observed maybe my father to do with my mother and maybe that's not actually what my partner is is wanting to do in the relationship but it it like you said it's almost like I don't want that pattern to continue and it doesn't necessarily have to but I don't know how else I don't know how to change the pattern because that's just what I know um yeah and it just continues if if we aren't aware of those things right
SPEAKER_00:right and you know I mean and so it can show up in in those little, more little ways. But, you know, depending on the intensity of what you maybe witness at home, right? I mean, if there was neglect or abuse of any kind, right? Like that causes a consequence of something internally. And then we carry that with us if it's unhealed, you know? And we try to heal it sometimes if we're not connected to like what effect it had on us. We try to heal it through our future relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:it can be very interesting once somebody becomes a parent, right? Where sometimes that's where the awareness of these cycles, patterns come up. But just in the work that you do with your clients, when do you start to maybe notice this and how do you bring that up, especially if somebody's not aware of how this generational trauma has been impacting them?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So Candice, I think for me, I'm like day one doing my assessment and tell me about your family of origin. Did you have a sister, brother? What was your relationship with mom or dad or whoever took care of you? And so from the beginning, we're kind of, at least with me, we're looking at it, who you are based on where you've been, what's been the story, what are the patterns and themes, what are the protective mechanisms, right? And how are they still kind of pulling at you, those protective mechanisms, right? What are the learning of myself that, you know, based on those experiences and how is that affecting what I'm struggling with today and now. So for me, I'm kind of like doing an initial assessment based on that little bit of an interview, you know, in bite-sized pieces. We're not necessarily diving right in. Right.
SPEAKER_02:Tell me all about your family, but you're getting a picture of where they've come from and even like you're saying the role that they probably played within their family system. because that's gonna inform you as to maybe what's going on in the now.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, so yeah. And so it starts out like, okay, what brings you here now? And then keeping that in mind based upon the history, it kind of connects certain dots, right? So if someone came in and they're like, I'm really having a hard time with my spouse and this has been the struggle, that has been the struggle. And I'll keep that in mind when we talk about, well, what has your experience with conflict or communication been throughout your life? And how come it's hard to communicate now? What's coming up?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I don't know if that answers your question.
SPEAKER_02:No, it totally does. Yeah. Well, so the thing that I'm thinking of, because I hear this a lot, and I wonder if you do as well, I'll have clients that will come in and they may say something to the effect of, I'm not blaming my parents. I don't need to blame everything on my parents, right? What do you say to that? Because, you know, I mean, I don't want to say everybody's got generational trauma, but I do think that there are patterns, like you're saying, that come up for us and roles that we play in our family, good or bad, you know, I mean, or neutral. It just is. That's part of what a family system is. We all sort of play a role in that. So what do you say to somebody that may say, well, why are we always blaming the parents? Like, why is it always the parents' fault for what my children are doing? Because
SPEAKER_00:I think that's the early learning environment. Those are your first people that like really you learn how to say your first words, how to take your first steps. Right. Like, I mean, I make a joke with my clients with friends is like babies don't even know how to fart yet.
SPEAKER_02:Right. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:We rely on our caregivers for every everything. Basic needs middle. of our learning so I think it's easy to blame our parents right but then the other side of it is like no no no i love my parents right like yeah i don't want to have these feelings about them because i love them and like the thing is like you know right candace like two things can exist three things exist
SPEAKER_01:exactly yeah
SPEAKER_00:like we can have all of our feelings about what happened or didn't happen what needs or wounds happen and i think that the healing is possible when we say okay well mom and dad they only had a certain amount of tools or what their toolbox looked a certain way also for reasons yeah and in some ways they were also still a wounded child
SPEAKER_02:at
SPEAKER_00:the time when they were trying to parent and maybe they had less resources like now mental health is everywhere yeah yeah yeah we've got google back when our my parents were younger they had they didn't have iphones and you know it was paper maps or right right
SPEAKER_02:right yeah
SPEAKER_01:and
SPEAKER_00:So in older generations, it was very much about just sun up to sundown, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep moving. You don't have time for your tears. So I think it's easy to blame, but it's also not the whole story. Have all of your feelings because they deserved space then and they deserve space now, but we don't have to hold the ax over our head. Yeah. Whether our parents are in our lives
SPEAKER_02:or not, because sometimes that's the decision too. And, you know, what struggles were they going through? Not to excuse anything that maybe came up for us as children, but, you know, it isn't just, it's not a one dimensional story. It's not a one dimensional thing that's happening. There's a lot of layers here. And just even, I mean, being able to go to therapy and talk through those layers creates that understanding so that, like you're saying, you can find healing, not only for yourself, but maybe even compassion for your parents, whatever that might look like.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And it's definitely hard, right? Because connecting with that can be like, well, if I did, I have to be, it's going to strike up this sadness. And that's really hard to sit with. And it's like, but maybe you were sad then, right? And if you look at a little kid who's not you, right? But maybe has the same story, like, would you say the same thing to them? So- I think it's about having all of our feelings and knowing that you can be mad about how something happened. You can be hurt. You can be sad. But it doesn't mean that like you are, you know, ungrateful child. It also doesn't mean that they don't have to be in your lives anymore. You know, it just means that you're healing. Exactly.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. I mean, I love that you said like multiple things can exist at one time. And I think, I mean, gosh, that is the truest statement especially when we're talking about this work because there is there can be so much at play and I know something that I read in the form that you filled out just the importance of sitting with your clients in their feelings because I mean and that's one of the things I tell my clients all the time this is that's some of the hardest stuff I have to ask them to do is just sit in those feelings acknowledge them we've got to just know that they're there and call them what they are and be in that because that is how we move through them. But man, that's hard to do, especially when you weren't shown how to do that or encouraged how to do that or even knowing what feelings are in the first place.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, that I think when people come to therapy, right, they're like, okay, what do I do?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Fix me, right? Right. I'll kind of like, depending on the situation, I'll kind of be like, well, Okay, pat yourself on the head, you know, and do six turns to the left and six turns to the right. Right. Is it like, come on, we don't have time for this. Is that the message that I have growing up? Or stop crying, stop or yelling or getting punished. Like, was that the reaction growing up? So it's a matter of like when you're having your feelings and maybe it's over something completely different, right, than childhood. It's about something else. I'm going to sit with you while you're having those feelings and I'm not going to look away. I'm not going to talk to you. out of them right i'm not gonna say don't feel that way right that's the thing that everybody says when they're trying to be helpful don't think that way yeah
SPEAKER_02:be happy be happy look at all the wonderful things in your life right
SPEAKER_00:yeah right or oh the my my favorite you should be
SPEAKER_02:happy yeah
SPEAKER_00:you should be grateful that's so much shame there um but i'm not going to tell you that you're wrong i'm not going to you know shy away look away and the Like I'm with you looking at you and I'm modeling like peace by being non-reactive. And, you know, even if I feel what you're feeling in the moment and I'm calling it out, like I'm listening to this and I can't help but feel so much hurt like in my belly, in my heart, because that's what I'm trying to do is connect you to that. Maybe that part of you that learned to shut off. And I think that's really, once we build up a comfort with all of our emotions, we no longer have to hide or shut down or self-abandon or shame ourselves, all those things we learned how to do. Right,
SPEAKER_02:right. Yeah, we can actually lean into them, get to know what we're feeling. And so then we know what we need. Yeah,
SPEAKER_00:that's my favorite one. That's my favorite way of talking about it too, is like our emotions as indicators of what you need. Yes, yeah, yeah. You're angry, so you went through something unfair, something unjust. You need kindness maybe, right? Fairness. love you know so what considering that like okay your feelings were never bad it was how they were responded to because maybe the person that was there didn't know how to respond to them right and to what extent right yeah yeah so good
SPEAKER_02:god that's so good and it's so hard like I just want to validate that too like especially you know what Alyssa's saying like if that was not something that was encouraged or modeled the idea of sitting in that feels deeply uncomfortable Deeply uncomfortable. And that's some of the most beautiful work in therapy, though, is to get to see people in that discomfort work really hard to still stay in that. It is. It's so hard, but it's so worth it. And that's what I try to encourage clients to. I know this feels so uncomfortable. And I'm not expecting you to ever feel comfortable, but we're going to get more comfortable with this.
SPEAKER_00:Right? Well, and I think at least we don't have because every time that we've shut off a piece, one emotion or a piece of it, we start to numb all of it. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And now, like, if you don't know sadness, it's gonna be really hard to recognize happiness or joy. And then there's just going through life, like, just lost in the sauce waiting for something good to happen when it maybe there is something good. I'm just not connecting to it. Yeah,
SPEAKER_02:yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So tell us a little bit about like, this idea of rewriting the inner narrative, maybe this idea of reparenting to help promote healing. I know this is like, really a lot of the work to do when we're talking about generational trauma. So what is that? I mean, and it may just mean I know this, we could probably talk for hours on what this looks like. But if that is a new concept for people, What do they need to know about what that work looks like?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So rewriting the narrative, that's where you're looking at the reflexive like belief systems and maybe they're more subconscious. We're not aware of them, but it could have been like, you know, looking back at the roles, right? I, my job growing up was to make everybody laugh because there was so much conflict, right? Okay. Well, I don't have to, rewriting the narrative means like telling yourself, like, I don't have Mm-hmm. Or, you know, so I had to do well, otherwise I would get punished or I would get shunned or I wouldn't get any attention. You don't have to perform in order to feel loved or be loved, I should say. You're always worthy of that. spouse or whoever we are, right, in our lives. I dropped the ball or I failed at something. You know, the feeling that I'm left with is maybe like sadness or disappointment. I can meet myself there and reparent myself through that sadness and disappointment. What do you need, right, in that moment to feel comforted? I'm going to give that to myself. So I think it starts with rewriting the narrative or the belief system of like, I don't have to be the peacekeeper in order to be loved or not have to perform in order to be loved. I always deserve that. So right now I feel really sad because I'm not getting that. I feel really angry because I don't have that in my life. How can I give it to myself? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:So where do you see the first step of this work? Is it the recognizing your emotions or is it really understanding what your role was within the Yeah,
SPEAKER_00:true. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. in reaction right which is where we yell or we get mad at ourselves or we pull away right anything that's reflexive to the situation if we're just kind of centered and grounded right then we can start getting into like what some of that introspective work of like what am I feeling what are my feelings telling me about what I need you know is that is this that old story getting stirred up again because there's something sticky there um and What do I need right now in order to move forward?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And so with this idea of reparenting, and you mentioned it a moment ago, even being able to visualize a child or a child that you know, how would you speak to them? And I've been able to sort of walk clients through with that idea because when I say, well, this three-year-old that is in your life that you love so much? Could you ever imagine speaking to her in that way? And they're like, oh, absolutely not. But yet, that's the way that they're speaking to themselves within that inner narrative. And so even just like trying to pull them out of that and see that from a different perspective, you know, giving them that option of visualizing how would you speak to a child, because they would never speak to somebody else like that. But they do that to themselves all the time.
SPEAKER_00:Right, right. And consider, right, when you're in that emotional, big emotional state, that reactive state, right? That's dysregulation. That might as well be that three-year-old, four-year-old, like having a really hard time emotionally with something, right? Am I in that scenario going to yell at myself and expect to feel better or just stop or just shut off? Or like, maybe that's what I was taught to do with this stuff, but that's not Yeah. to I think help is if we are the grounded ones if you're maintaining calm right and you don't even have to be saying anything but you're in the room with them and you're saying like I'm here I see you I'm with you granted within safety like I'm not I'm with you but you kind of hit me right but I'm with you you don't need to hit if they're a little kid you don't need to hit for me to see that you're in pain right Right. And you're staying calm. That's called co-regulation. Right. You're showing someone or a child that I you know, you can have your emotion. You're not alone. And it's going to pass. I'm modeling that just calmness for you as well. If you think of that now, right, that's an external. It's like that's what we want to do for ourselves. I can have this experience, but I don't need to react to it.
SPEAKER_02:That's good. Right there for all that
SPEAKER_00:you're talking about. That's huge. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Okay. I know I'm going to have parents listening thinking, oh gosh, am I repeating generational trauma? Am I continuing this with my kids? And we're not going to be perfect, right? Like there are going to be times when we are dysregulated and we still have some place to go and we need to get this kid in the car, whatever, right? Whatever the circumstances are. So what would you say to the people that are listening that are parents that are like, oh crap, what am I doing to my child?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I'm a parent, so I get it. Yes. This is hard. We can love our child. Remember, two things. Yes. We can love our children, but also want to put them on the roof, not actually going to. No, but have the thought. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Doesn't mean we're actually going to, but you know, they drive us too. That's okay. That doesn't make you a bad parent. I think the thing that we can do, right, is knowing that, okay, I don't have to be the fixer they're having an emotion I can sit with them through that but I don't have to fix it I don't have to stop it yeah be nice if I could prevent the tantrum don't get me wrong sure but I don't have control over that just as much as I don't have control over something right
SPEAKER_02:but maybe their feelings are informing us of how to prevent it in the future maybe maybe not I mean they're irrational when they're upset but that also could be an informant
SPEAKER_00:right I mean if you think about it side note it's like what do we all Mm-hmm. Yeah. Right. Or I want to let them know that I see them and I hear them and they're not bad or not wrong. Like it could be even a statement of like, I don't want to repeat this pattern. I needed that when I was a kid. Let me be that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So some sort of anchoring thought that can ground you in that moment can be helpful because it could, it very much is for kids that they're trying to communicate something to us through their behavior. And if they're screaming or doing something like that, maybe there's something I'm not seeing because they don't have the language to tell me.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Yeah. Well, and even I love the idea of a grounding thought of what can I be for my kids that maybe I needed? Yeah. Yes. Yes. Because I mean, that speaks to our hearts. Like we know in our own beings what we wish we would have had, right? I mean, whether you you've done therapy or not, you could probably sit and say, well, no, I wish my mom would have said this or I wish my dad would have reacted this way. How can we be that for our kids as just like that can be just the starting point, right? You know, I mean, it may not be foolproof, but what a great place to start just to even be aware of what we were needing at their age and being able to demonstrate that to them.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And then I think if you don't know what to do, because there are times where, you know, it's sending a our nervous system into overdrive, right?
SPEAKER_01:Sure.
SPEAKER_00:We're already there and then they're losing it too is like... Taking deep breaths, believe it or not, is more than enough. And if you need to visibly like take that deep breath, they're going to
SPEAKER_02:see that. in in the most minimal way get us somewhat regulated and grounded yes yeah and it's not always gonna look perfect yeah it's not and that's okay that's why we apologize that's why we we have the repair you know knowing how to repair whenever we don't do it exactly the way that we wish we had done it or wish we had received when we were kids we repair yeah
SPEAKER_00:yeah i know i i had to rip pair with my son the other day. I can't even recall what happened. I think we were all trying to get out of the house in the morning and it was just chaos. And we got in the car finally. And I was like, Bubba, you know, I'm sorry. I was impatient with you. And he's, he's, he's very tough with me, but love him. He says to me, mommy, I'm mad at you. And I said, okay, yeah, with me. So I think it's a matter of letting us, our kids to like have all their feelings, even if they're mad, you know, that's a hard one too, because it breaks our heart.
SPEAKER_02:I But not fixing it, right? I mean, I think that's the piece I really want people to hear is when you see anybody, anybody having emotion, whether they're four or 44, right? It's not anybody's job to fix it, but just be with them, right? Maybe you get curious or maybe you just sit with them and just be with them in that. I mean, that's a gift to do that for others, for sure. It
SPEAKER_00:is. My brain always goes back to, you consider that you can come to me and share your And I'm not going to turn away. Yeah. I'm not going to tell you that you're crazy or you're overreacting or that you've got it wrong or don't think that way. I'm just going to be with you and say, I know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I had a really, this is one of my, my, I think key learning things like back when I was in grad school, I had a professor tell a story. And this isn't to like say that anybody, anybody who does this, like it's bad or wrong. Right. But she had said as a therapist that she will never hand a client a tissue. The tissue's in the middle of the room.
SPEAKER_01:And if the
SPEAKER_00:client wants to take it, they can take it. And the reason why was because she never wanted to send the message that your tears are too much. Have all of your tears. Let them just be. I can handle them. You don't need to wipe them away. And so that's what I think you can kind of keep in your back pocket. It is like letting somebody that we love have all of their emotions, even if it stirs up a thousand things inside of us. It's like, but I see you for all of you, even when you're not your best self and I'm here anyway and I'm not going
SPEAKER_02:anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. That's so good. That's so good. I mean, that's the takeaway right there. That's what we can all do. We all can do that. We really, really can. Okay, Alyssa. So people are listening and they're maybe resonating with some of the things that you're saying, they feel connected to some of the things that you're saying, what would you say their first step should be if they really want to maybe dive into finding healing from some of their, some of the past trauma from parents growing up? Like, what would you say their first steps need to be? What do they need to be aware of? What would your encouragement be for those listening?
SPEAKER_00:So my encouragement would be to notice what's happening in your body. Your body, I mean, this is not my quote here, but your body knows before your mind does or anything else. So your body is always going to clue you into where am I at? Do I feel safe? Do I feel not safe? And your nervous system is going to clue you into what is it that I'm feeling? What is it that do I need?
SPEAKER_01:And
SPEAKER_00:practicing grounding yourself in that way and caring for yourself during those times when your nervous system is activated That's going to help us from being reactive where we can then be a little bit more curious, make choices about how we want to respond to things. And now if you're noticing that that's really hard, because sometimes when we look inward and we're feeling now all of the things in our nervous system, that in and of itself can be really dysregulating. So if that's really hard, then it might be a matter of you're really in your head very often and not connected to your body so doing that was really shocking so it might mean shifting your focus going outside watching or listening to something funny or cute dog videos or something cat videos interrupting the thought process you can focus on something else until there's a sense of being calm and then having a safe person that you can lean on and
SPEAKER_02:talk to you know yeah yeah just to be able to have somebody experience that with you yeah okay okay and then reach out to Alyssa
SPEAKER_01:she's
SPEAKER_02:a wealth of resources and knowledge and oh my goodness this is so good is there anything that we didn't cover that you feel like is important to cover on this topic before I ask my last question
SPEAKER_00:yeah I think you know especially like the collective in and of itself was born off of like when we Mm-hmm. we're we're working on our own healing and that's going to come outward on with the people that we love and the people that we see daily if we're having more patience for ourselves yeah we're going to have more patience for other people right more compassion for ourselves we're going to have more compassion for our parents
SPEAKER_02:yeah so true yeah well and so i think that's the other thing you're saying without saying it is if if you're noticing hiccups in your relationships that's might be an indicator that there's some work, not because of necessarily you, but like what you're saying is maybe if you're not being patient with yourself, you're having a harder time being patient with others or compassionate with yourself. You're having a harder time being compassionate with others that even noticing if there's some disconnect in some of your closer relationships, there may be some of these things at play that need to be, you know, revealed and unpacked.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Looking at life as if it's a mirror, right? Like everybody that we come across throughout our day and conversations that we have, or I actually have a funny story, conversations that we have or interactions, like we look at that and we kind of like say, what is this showing me? What is my internal reaction to this showing me about myself? Right. And I will, I'll self-disclose here to show you like what I mean. There was a while back, a few, I don't know if it was a few months ago, I was driving. I was going somewhere that should not take me longer than 20 minutes on the worst day. And it took me an hour. And I had to get there because I had to be somewhere else by a certain time. And that place was like, I had to go to Brooklyn, where I live, which is kind of far, lots of traffic. So I was on a time crunch, right? And it was almost as if every time I made a left, I hit more traffic. Every time I made a right, I would go a different way to try to get around to take a different route. And every single turn I made, traffic. And I was like, oh my goodness, getting obviously irritable or impatient or nervous or scared because I have somewhere I got to be. And I haven't been on my way there yet. And I'm like, wow, what is this showing me about my life? Like, well, you know what? Lately in my life, it's really bothering me right now, this whole situation, because lately in my life, that's what it's felt like every turn i take i'm hitting a wall right so okay that is something that i could look at
SPEAKER_02:yeah
SPEAKER_00:my reaction to the traffic doesn't have to be soberating inward like i should have left earlier i should have done this like we all do right so if we look at those situations in our life that cause us to have these big emotions um or distressing emotions even if they're not huge we can look at that like say what is this telling me about my life or where I'm at or what I need instead of getting judgmental and being stuck in that anger.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. Yeah. Just be curious. Just ask questions like you would a friend.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Just try and understand really.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Yeah. No, that's really good. That's so good. Okay. So my last question, what do you do to take care of yourself well? So
SPEAKER_00:I love this question and maybe it's really, I don't know, it's really simple, but my favorite thing to do at the end of the day is sit in silence. I have conversations all day long and I'm taking information in and feeling emotions all day and I love it and I wouldn't trade it for
SPEAKER_01:the
SPEAKER_00:world. But by the end of the day, switching from therapist mode to mom mode to wife mode, my ears are buzzing, I can feel it on my skin and so it's just so nice to be able to notice how loud the silence is instead of all the noise so that's my favorite thing to do at the end of the day and That's so that's my favorite thing. But yoga is a big one for me. And if you practice yoga, there's the whole like, yes, you can practice yoga on your mat, or you can practice yoga in your life. Yeah, for me, I'm depending on the day. I'm either doing it just in my life or on my medical. So for me, those are my two. And being around my people.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. Yes. So when you sit in silence, what does that look like? Like, what is what is that? What does that to look like?
SPEAKER_00:Tell me more. Tell me more. Sit in a dark room by yourself. Yeah, right. Yeah, fair enough. I have probably too many salt lamps in my house. Okay. And I love them. I think I have one back here. So I will turn on a few, not all of them, but a few. And I will really sit and read or I'll sit and look at pictures on my phone of my son
SPEAKER_01:or
SPEAKER_00:But I'm just appreciating the silence. Like, I'm not on the phone. I don't put the TV on. I'm not really looking at reels. But I am doing something more calming like that where I don't have to hear anything. Yeah. Like, there's nothing my ears have to pay attention to. Right.
SPEAKER_02:Right. Right. So, I mean, you do virtual therapy. Do you work from home? Right. I do. How do you do, is that one of the practices is like just really sitting in your space before you transition into home life? Is that tricky?
SPEAKER_00:Well, no, because I've had to learn how to kind of compartmentalize my life. Yeah. So my schedule, my life, I should say, is really built out by a schedule, my work life. So I pretty much, and I'm pretty strict to how I schedule things. So I use my have like an hour at the end of my workday to just decompress that's awesome okay And then I also do like, I actually do 30 minute breaks for myself in between sessions and breathe, write a note, eat, do whatever it is, disconnect for 10 minutes. So that's, I'm pretty strict with those things.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've, I had to kind of stumble through what I needed after a full client day and food is number one on the list. My husband knows like soon as I walk in the door I must eat I cannot function I'm not going to be nice to anybody until I've eaten something and just sat for a minute because yeah I mean everything that you said just you we love I love doing this I love sitting in people's emotions but yeah you just feel it you carry it it is I feel honored to do the work and at the end of the day I'm spent you know I'm spent you're right like my ears are All the things that you said, totally, I
SPEAKER_00:ended up with everything. had before with another person like that's so powerful yeah and so I think that's the thing that keeps me grounded in like there's a purpose here even on the really hard days where every client or every story is really hard it's like but that's the reason why I'm doing this yeah but yes the end of the day it's I very much enjoy my clients will ask me did you see this movie or you ever watch a show and I'm like no oh my god you know I I really don't watch that much TV. I watch– if I do, it's all reruns of Friends. Yeah. Gilmore Girls. Things I've seen a thousand times. Sure.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Because they're easy. They're easy to watch. Doesn't take a lot of brain power. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. Thank you so much. Thanks for coming on and sharing all the things. I mean, I feel like we could have like a part two, a part three, a part four, especially on this topic. But I'll definitely have to bring you back because I know there's other things that we could chat about. But this was– This was so informative. This was so good. I think people are really, they're just going to eat this up. They're going to eat all this information up. So I think they're going to really appreciate it. So thanks
SPEAKER_00:so much. Thank you so much for having me and giving me a space to speak and share my voice and my experience. And hopefully the listeners take something away from
SPEAKER_02:this. Yeah. So how can people find you? If they want to connect with you, they want to see more about the work that you're doing, how can they find you?
SPEAKER_00:The best way to find us is on our website. We do have Instagram, but I'll be honest, between it all, I'm not on top of my Instagram, but you can connect with us there. Hopefully you're better at it soon. So it's at livecollectivewellness, but our website is the best place to reach us. So that's www.collective-therapy.com.
SPEAKER_02:Okay. And we'll include all of that in the show notes so people can find
SPEAKER_00:you there. All right, Alyssa.
SPEAKER_02:Thanks so much. I just love this conversation so much. I feel like there was so much depth to it and so many themes that I find in the therapy room talking to people specifically when we're diving into family of origin issues. There's so many layers to this conversation because generational trauma is built layer upon layer. If you're someone that identified with the content of this conversation I hope you feel empowered and equipped to stop the generational patterns of hurt and trauma within your life. So much of this work is recognizing our own emotions and showing up for our emotional selves through regulation and then changing our inner narrative. I know a lot of times when we're talking about reparenting ourselves that can sound kind of weird or funny, but it truly is powerful and work that's worth leaning into. So I'm encouraging you here to show up for yourselves, learn what the generational patterns are and find out if you are still participating in them so that you can begin to And don't forget to check out Alyssa's website over at Collective Therapy and Wellness, and I've included the link in the show notes. My final words are, remember, especially when we're working through healing from generational trauma, that two opposing thoughts can be true at the same time. Thank you so much. I'd love to connect with you on Instagram. Find me at Candice Frazier LPC. Give the show a rating or review wherever you listen to podcasts. This really helps get the show to more listeners in the world. And I would be so grateful to see what you all are loving. Until next time, show kindness to yourself and those around you.
