Friends in Singleness

In this episode, we’re joined by Bridgett Blood, a certified Connection Codes coach, podcasting from Nashville, TN. Bridgett helps Christian singles process sexual shame and connect with their desires without compromising their core values. She’s here to prove that you can live a life that’s both hot AND holy—and she shares some of the ways she coaches and encourages others in this space.

 This episode isn’t just for singles! We also dive into:
 ✔️ How those in relationships can better see and support their single friends
 ✔️ A fresh perspective on why friendship is a lifeline for those in singleness
 ✔️ Ways to cultivate deeper, more meaningful friendships, no matter your relationship status

Find Bridgett:

Follow Bridgett: @bridgettblood

Bridgett’s website

Bridgett’s GUIDEBOOK on value-based boundaries in dating

The Recover Your Life podcast

Connection Codes

More on Story Work

Between Beauty & Heartache

Chassie’s episode on TCND

Kristen Miele Sex Ed Reclaimed 

Kristen on TCND

Andrew Bauman

Sam Jolman

Bridgett’s reading: The Lives We Actually Have by Kate Bowler

Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:09)

Bridget Blood is a certified connection codes coach and podcaster from Nashville, Tennessee. She helps Christian singles process sexual shame and connect to their desires without ditching their core values. She's here to prove that you can live a life that's both hot and holy. And she goes through some of the ways on the episode today, how she coaches and encourages others in this space.

Honestly, I wish I had known Bridget back in the day to help counteract the purity culture narrative that I had received so I could have made better sense of this part of my life. And y'all, she has a new guidebook out on value based boundaries and dating and it's free. So head over to the show notes to access the link taking you straight to Bridget's guidebook. Also follow Bridget on Instagram at Bridget Blood.

This episode is not just for single people, I promise, because we definitely talk to those who are partnered on how we can see and support those in singleness and friendship and how we can have a fresh perspective on how friendship is literally a lifeline to those in singleness. We cover friendship between men and women and how to do that well and the advantages, especially to those in singleness, having friendships with different genders. And I just love the story of how God talked to Bridget about her RBF, y'all for real.

It's hilarious. You don't want to miss that part. Make sure you check out the show notes not only to find Bridget's Instagram, to find her podcast, and to find her new guidebook. All right, y'all. Here is my conversation with my new friend, Bridget Blood.

Okay, Bridget Blood, welcome to the couch next door!

Speaker 2 (02:39)
I'm so glad to be here.

Speaker 1 (02:40)
I am so excited. I'm so excited for this conversation. I think it's going to be so good. And I'm so excited that we met and I get to know you and get to hear a little bit about your story. let's dive in. Tell us a little bit about you. What do we need to know about Bridget to know Bridget?

Speaker 2 (02:55)
Yes. I only can handle decaf coffee. Okay. My nervous system cannot handle real coffee. I probably really shouldn't even do decaf, but I can't be one of those mushroom coffee people. If that's you listening, more power to you. I love that for you. I want my decaf coconut milk latte.

Speaker 1 (03:17)
What happens if you drink regular coffee?

Speaker 2 (03:19)
severe anxiety like chest. I can't think straight. it's bad.

Speaker 1 (03:23)
Okay, so decaf all the way.

Speaker 2 (03:26)
decap all the way. And I know that people think that's not real coffee, but it's okay. You don't live in this body. it's fine. I live in Nashville, Tennessee. I've been here for the last two and a half years. I am a sexual story work coach for Christian Singles in helping us have just a healthier conversation around sexual desire and what that means. I think in all contexts of life, I think what I teach applies to whether you're sexually active or not.

But I really do want to focus on equipping Christian singles to navigate really good stories around their body, their desire for sex, their desire for partnership, if that's a desire, or if they're planning on living their whole life single. What does it look like for them to be fully connected and live a sexually connected life in alignment with their core values? That's all day, every day, really important to me. And I'm loving living in the South. was 65 degrees the other day. Obviously, that's not going to be every day, but I'm like, it is winter.

Speaker 1 (04:12)
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (04:22)
and there is sunshine and I'm just a nicer person when the sun is shining.

Speaker 1 (04:26)
Well, okay. tell us, I mean, maybe the shortened version of like where you grew up and how you ended up in Nashville. Because you told me that when we had our phone call and that was a really interesting story. Like you just took a leap, girl.

Speaker 2 (04:41)
Yes. Nashville has been my second leap. I don't want to do any more leaping. We'll see how it goes. I grew up in upstate New York. And when I mean upstate New York, I mean about five hours from New York City. I did go to college down by New York City, but I grew up in upstate. So I got an hour from Canada, graduated with 28 kids in my high school class. small. You could probably throw a football from one side of town to the other. And then went to college.

Speaker 1 (04:46)
Okay. Life turns out, but yeah.

Speaker 2 (05:11)
And that's where I kind of got interested in pursuing full-time ministry. Grew up in a church context where women couldn't pastor or lead. And so I really didn't have a framework for that until I got to college. And then I was like, wow, I really think I could do this and want to do this. And so I spent, after college, I spent five years as a spiritual formation pastor on staff at a church in Ohio.

And then two and a half years ago moved here to Nashville to pursue coaching and all of that world full time.

Speaker 1 (05:44)
Yes, you're very brave because you didn't know anybody in Nashville, right, when you moved? Yeah, you just went.

Speaker 2 (05:52)
I

knew two people that I had met for like five days. I had come to help them run a marriage conference and then that was it, but I didn't know them for real. So I just kind of moved here. When I signed my lease on this apartment, I had no job here. I had nothing. My mother was absolutely terrified out of her mind.

Speaker 1 (06:15)
She's like, are you doing? Oh, I love that. I love that. Okay. So you have a podcast too. I do. Tell us about your podcast.

Speaker 2 (06:28)
Yeah, so I have the Recovery Your Life podcast. Some of you are saying that because I'm working with a business coach and that might no longer be the

Speaker 1 (06:34)
the of

the podcast for the end of the year. But for now, that's what it

Speaker 2 (06:38)
The best way to follow with what I'm doing as far as creating would be to follow me on Instagram at BridgetBlood. Whatever we end up calling the show, that information will be there. Yes. So yeah, we just focus a lot on the topics that you're very familiar with, story work and sexual health and trauma-informed faith, life and all that kind of stuff. Those topics really matter to me.

Speaker 1 (06:49)
I just-

Speaker 2 (07:04)
For me, one of my favorite things about podcasting, the reason why I think it's so powerful is sometimes when you're approaching sensitive topics or you just don't have the right words, it can be really hard to engage with a conversation about sexual dysfunction or grief in childhood or some of these big topics, right? And when you can look at your partner, your family member, your friend and say, Hey, I was listening to this conversation and it had me thinking about my experience with this topic.

Would you listen to it and can we talk about it together? Sometimes that just provides a little bit of a buffer to engage in a big conversation or a triggering conversation that feels way safer than I want to talk to you about my childhood trauma. Right. Right.

Speaker 1 (07:47)
It opens the door. yeah.

Speaker 2 (07:49)
Yes. So that's why I really love podcasting. I I listen to a lot throughout the week. I always feel FOMO of I have all these incredible friends, I have these incredible shows, and I wish I could just spend all the hours of my week doing that, but I can't. So I always feel like, oh, I'm so sad. I'll get all these great episodes that are coming out. But that's been one thing that's been hard in pursuing more of a creative career full-time has been my capacity to engage in all the creative things. For all the people that I love, I just had to have a little bit of a smaller.

Small R.E.S. in the season.

Speaker 1 (08:20)
Yeah. I liked how you described that with podcasting. think you're absolutely right. And that's something I even say to my guests, I know you're coming into this space, you included, to be vulnerable and to talk about some hard things so that other people don't feel alone. So that maybe they do send this episode to a friend and say, can we talk about this? Because Bridget said some really important things that I felt connected to. And I need you to know that. And I would love to talk more about it. It absolutely creates that connection.

in a way that is, I think, very unique in the media world. So I like how you said that. OK. Well, do you have a rant for us today?

Speaker 2 (09:01)
I do. Okay, let's hear it. I guess I'm a very naturally ranty person. Okay, But typically how my rants start are I absolutely hate this. And so I had to like go through my vile cabinet thing.

Speaker 1 (09:16)
Is that a thing you hate?

Speaker 2 (09:18)
As someone who is a very like nurturing kind soft person, girl, that I can pull that Enneagram eight out. I'm actually, guess I'm now typing myself as a four. That feels most true of my immigration journey. But ooh, I can step into that eight when we need to have some justice for sure. Let's go for it. So right now I'm very against passwords.

Speaker 1 (09:40)
you

Okay.

Speaker 2 (09:46)
We are far enough along in technology that you can send me a confirmation code. I cannot remember 400 passwords and I also feel terrified to put my passwords in a software. That's probably crazy and that's totally okay. I can have some dysfunctions. But no, like I cannot remember all these passwords. I'm trying to do a whole bunch of other adulting. My phone can give me a little confirmation number in my email and I can hit

1234 or whatever the code is and let me in. I'm done. I would like to boycott passwords. I still think protection is helpful.

Speaker 1 (10:21)
But

can we think of another way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and the thing that I hate about passwords is when you have to come up with a new one and then they don't let you use like the last five. I was like, that's all I got. I have nothing else. I have nothing else important in my life that I'm going to remember. Don't make me think of something else. can't. I only have so many birthdays that I can put in there. So many addresses or whatever, you know, like I have nothing left.

Speaker 2 (10:24)
There's gotta be a better way to do this.

Speaker 1 (10:48)
I have no other ideas. no, I that's the part I really hate about passwords. I have to have I mean, I'm not afraid of them like saving it on my device. I okay. That's the only way that that's literally the only way that I can do it.

Speaker 2 (10:53)
Yes. for it. Can't do it anymore.

do

it that way. I just don't want to have like a you know how you can buy the software that has all of them and that I feel a little bit heebie.

Speaker 1 (11:11)
Oh yeah, no I don't do that. don't I'm

not even about that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. So passwords. I love it. Okay. So all you engineers out there, fix this problem for us, Please. It's very annoying. All right, Bridget, let's dive in. So I first, you first came on my radar because you interviewed Kristen Miele with Such That You Reclaimed. And so I saw she posted something on her Instagram and you were interviewing her and...

And just like hearing y'all's conversation, I was like, oh, I'm like, what this girl has to say. So I started following you. And yeah, go to Bridget's Instagram, because she posts a lot of really insightful things. And I just loved how you present the information. I mean, you're in a very vulnerable space, especially when we're talking about sex and Christianity. And so just your boldness and your courage to step out in that space was like,

so inspiring for me and I was like, I just want to know this girl. So we chatted and it seemed like a perfect fit for you to come and be on the friendship season and talk about singleness and friendship because I think that is a very unique space and I think there are people out there that probably feel very alone in it and also people that are partender, partender, partender, no, what is the word? Partner. People who are partnered.

There you go. Adding a T. That want to be good friends to people that are in singleness, but maybe don't necessarily know the struggles or know how to do that really well. I'm glad you're coming on to talk all about what that looks like. So tell us first, what is friendship like for you? Like, what do you love about friendship? What does that mean to you? What are some of your favorite things about friendship?

Speaker 2 (13:02)
Yeah, absolutely. I want to start, this is very iconic Bridget, of hello, welcome to friendship with Bridget. Is it reading you a poem?

Speaker 1 (13:10)
yes, okay, let's do it.

Speaker 2 (13:11)
This is from my favorite book of poetry, The Lives We Actually Have by Kate Bowler.

Speaker 1 (13:18)
I haven't read that, but I've heard really good things. Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (13:22)
My

and this is a blessing for when you feel lonely and this feels like my mantra of friendship. I'm probably going to cry through this whole episode. Friendship feels very raw this week. So here we go. It says, God, there is a space here in my heart, in my life I wish others could fill. Would it be embarrassing to admit that I'm lonely? I need someone walking with me whose eyes see what mine do.

whose ears are open to hear my thoughts and whose heart can be cracked open a smidge more. I was not built to do this alone. I feel it in the transitions, God, in the moments I need someone to call after a memory I don't want to forget. It feels like leaning back without knowing if I will feel the comfortable weight of being held. Could you remind me first that I am loved, that my needs aren't too much, that my personality isn't too absurd?

that the details of my life deserve a record kept by another. Give me courage to look in new places, to risk reaching out, to make plans with acquaintances who might turn into friends. Give me peace, give me hope, give me people. And in the meantime, remind me that lovely moments are still ahead.

Speaker 1 (14:35)
Ugh, have goosebumps.

Speaker 2 (14:38)
it's my favorite. And I think for me that line that the details of my life deserve a record kept by another. And so for me, the favorite thing about friendship is really getting to practice covenant. Like what does it actually mean to bearing witness to someone's story and to hold someone's story and for someone to hold that for me, that that is a beautiful gift that does exist within marriage.

Speaker 1 (15:07)
Just naturally, just happens.

Speaker 2 (15:09)
But marriage right at its core is friendship. And so what does it look like to live deeply with friends? And that's, I mean, I have two people. I mean, I have more than that friends. But as far as like my life on life core people, those are two people. I think I've always felt a little bit of shame as an introvert of I don't really have the emotional capacity for a ton of people. I can be authentic and be real with a lot of people. But the people who are my

core life on life, that's two people. And then obviously when I'm married, I will invite another person into that space. But I think for me, that's been really important to realize is like I can live in deep covenant connection and have a life that's really regarded and seen by the people that are closest to me. And I can get to give that gift as well.

Speaker 1 (15:59)
Right, right. So when you say covenant connection, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 (16:04)
Yeah. I was listening to a podcast a couple of weeks ago and I just felt so horrifically sad in the conversation. And it was a single person and they were saying, you know, I just, feel so much sadness that I'm never going to know what it feels like to have someone that has committed their life fully to me until I'm married. And it was a, it was a single person and a married person having this conversation. And the married person said, Ooh, like tell me more about that. And they kind of gave some pushback of that.

Like what's happening with that? And are you seeing the places and the people that are covenanted towards you? And so for me, like covenant friendships are people that are my ride or die. Like we are, we're doing life together. They know all the ins and outs of me. They have permission. They also see like they're deeply wounded by Bridget's dysfunction. And so they have the right to say, for me to be in close connection to you, this is painful. I need to do this different. And I get to say that to them too.

but it is, and I tell my, my two closest girlfriends all the time. It's like, no, like I'm convinced. I have the capacity to be loved and to love in marriage. Well, because of the way that we've loved each other, because of the way that we fought for forgiveness and for friendship and for making sure both of our needs are met and for processing with, Hey, this did not feel good to me. didn't like having this conversation this way. I need to do conflict different. Like all of those conversations, are there and are present.

And so, yeah, for me, it's the who are the people that we're building life with and I know aren't going anywhere. And I do think that can happen in friendship.

Speaker 1 (17:44)
yeah, absolutely. Well, it's interesting how you're describing the covenant connection with friends really mirroring what a marriage covenant is. almost, practice isn't the right word, but it is an example to use those skills. And that's something, when I think about some of my closest friends, we talk about how, I mean, we kind of use the word soulmates. It's like,

We're never going anywhere, you know, like we are in each other's lives forever This is just what it's going to be and when there is conflict Yeah, I know that they're not gonna leave me, you know It might be hard for a little bit, but we'll figure it out Like I don't have any sort of insecurity that conflict would come in between us. So yeah, I that. I love that that does Okay, so when you think about

friendship and singleness. Like what has this season of life taught you about friendship? What's that been like for you?

Speaker 2 (18:47)
Yeah, it feels essential. feels essential. think it also has helped me not get... Friendship and adult singleness has helped me understand the purity culture twist that you're...

Speaker 1 (18:51)
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (19:11)
partner is going to be like the source of your peace in your life. Somehow you're just going to have this one person. And so I've watched a lot of married friends go, no, this person can't hold all of me. This person can't be the only person I'm processing. And so I think that there's a gift in that, that learning how to do friendship with different people in different seasons and for different needs. And that's not wrong. I think that it's good to have a board of friends.

I have the two people that are my – like I'm calling my 2 a.m. friends. I'm calling you at 2 o'clock in the morning. I need you to show up now. I need you to get in your car absolutely right now. I need you to get on a plane in 45 minutes like those people. And then I have the handful I would say five or six people that I know that I can just pick up the phone and call or text and say, need to process this with you. And they're going to be there. And those are men and women.

I think that there's just this, it's helped me process that it's okay that we can't, first of all, we're not supposed to meet everybody's needs, right? I'm responsible for my own needs. Jesus is really kind in helping me meet my needs and I can present my needs to my friends and they can say, absolutely, I'd love to partner with you in that. Or they can go, gosh, I hear that. I don't have space to hold that. You're going to need to find that somewhere else.

Speaker 1 (20:19)
Yes.

Speaker 2 (20:39)
explicitly said or implicitly from the context, it just kind of helped me realize that we are made for community and we're not. It's never supposed to be one person. Our sole need for connection or whatever. And the diversities of friendship, that's great. That's good. That's still honoring and kind. And the friends that I will run errands with or do fun things with are different than

Speaker 1 (20:50)
great.

Speaker 2 (21:08)
the people that I'm calling sobbing. And that's okay. I think that there's a blend of authenticity in that. not that one's more authentic than the other one. It's just, think that's a blend of personalities, a blend of capacity where each person is in the season. yeah, it's just the idea that we are made for community and that having people to bear witness to our life is important. And we're allowed to ask for that. And we also can show up different with different connections.

Speaker 1 (21:37)
Right, yeah. That's a thing that I've noticed and part of the reason I wanted to do a friendship season is friendship showing up in the therapy room often and I think that can really be a misconception of friendship is this idea that there's one person, one or two people that are, that's gonna be everything for you. And so once you have that, then you don't look elsewhere for any of your other needs being met. But then if something happens, even if it's a covenant connection,

There might be a conflict and now you don't have that person, but who else can you call upon to process things with? And so that's something I've had to really challenge some of my clients of, can we think of different categories of friends? And let's think about the people that are already in your life that might be serving that purpose. Like, do you have a coworker that you guys have a very similar sense of humor? Maybe y'all take that out of the office and y'all go to dinner after, because maybe that is a fun friendship.

Maybe that is a connection where y'all do have that shared, you know, sort of language because y'all work together. But I mean, just looking around and seeing who's around you that can fill in some of those gaps rather than, I have a best friend and that's all I need. Your best friend's great. But yeah, there's not just one person that can hold all of that.

Speaker 2 (22:57)
Yeah, absolutely. I think especially when you are pursuing an emotional health journey, right? There's a lot of, I'm going to dance on the edge of toxic positivity. When you grow and do your work, you're going to outgrow your people. And I do think there's a part of that that's

Speaker 1 (22:58)
Yeah, that's really good.

Sure, that can happen, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (23:19)
But I also think that people are human and people are good. And God might be putting people in your life that maybe don't have the same therapy experience that you have or the same emotional health journey that you have, but they can still show up for you. Because I think sometimes you go from like, I don't have any of these emotional health tools and my life feels on fire to I'm using all of these tools, which are good and healthy, to then I have these tools, but I'm kinda...

using those same self abandonment, self protective mechanisms, and now I just have therapy language for them to, you know, can this person actually show up and be there for me? And I think that's kind of like, my bestie and I have been using a new phrase called, give grace and take up space. So give grace is to say, hey, people are human. We all have our drama stories. We all have places of brokenness that can make us prickly at times. So give grace.

Speaker 1 (23:53)
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (24:16)
but also take up your space and ask for what you need. I sometimes struggle with that. Sometimes I have chronic empathy of like, well this happened to them and this happened to them. But then I neglect what I actually need to feel cared for in the connection. And so trying to say, but I'm also gonna take up space and say, hey, I know that you have four kids and I know that evenings are busy with homework and your husband got home from work late. That's totally fine.

Speaker 1 (24:23)
Me too.

Speaker 2 (24:44)
I really need to know that you're going to show up for dinner on time. And so if Thursday nights aren't going to work for us, let's try a different time instead of just being like, well, this is what's happening for them and not taking up your space as well. And I you can do that in really kind way. But I think also, like you said, like being open to the places and the people that God's put in your life that may not, I feel guilt saying that, but I think it's important because it's real. They may not be.

your bestie for the rest of your life. But they may just be beautiful people that God has placed in your story for a season and that's really okay too. And it's okay for you to be a person that God places in someone else's story for a season and it's okay to be honest when that capacity changes.

Speaker 1 (25:14)
Yeah.

Absolutely. Yeah, and holding that loosely and not taking it personally. But like you said, taking up that space and sort of advocating for that for yourself, you need to do that because either the friendship will break because you haven't spoken up and resentment has grown or it won't. Those are the options. So if you say something, chances are you'll be able to work that out with that person. And if not, that tells you information, right? Like that tells you about.

what that friendship maybe really was and where it needs to end. Yeah, that's good. Well, so you mentioned like you have men and women friends. Yeah. So let's talk a little bit about like, you know, you as a woman being friends with men, what does that look like? Because I think, especially in the Christian circle, but I mean, I think it's an important conversation. How do we do that well, right? How are we friends with somebody that's a different gender and doing that well?

Speaker 2 (26:24)
Yeah. I think it's fair to say that this has been a really tender, twisted part of my story. I grew up in a church environment that didn't want men and women to be friends on Facebook because they could have an affair. Yeah. So it was like really high stakes of like, men and women can't share each, like, you know, you would have to be in a group chat if you were going to text each other or it was just a lot. So it created a high stakes of I had no idea how to be friends with men.

Sure. Which has definitely led to places where of hyper-romantization with single men and has really kept a wounded. Like I remember in college, it was a huge part of my college journey. Can we stay here for a little bit? I have a lot to unpack about this.

Speaker 1 (27:15)
Yes, I think this is good.

Speaker 2 (27:17)
So in college, the Lord had to do a lot of healing for me around this. And I remember I was at a virtual if gathering, if local, right, with Jeanne Allen. And we had prayer stations set up. And there was one that had like a cross set up and like anointing oil and you could just kind of sit and there was pillows on the floor and just kind of chill out. So I'm like laying on the floor all holy. And the Lord says, hey, I'd like to talk about your RBS.

Speaker 1 (27:47)
No, he did not.

Speaker 2 (27:49)
And I was like, he actually used the real words, but I'm trying, I'm not sure what boundaries are in your podcast. And I was like, first of all, can God say that to me? Like, how do you know what that is? Do know what that is? And he says, yeah, he's like, you've used purity as a weapon against men instead of as an invitation into holiness. And that's not what I created sexuality for. I'd like to talk about your friendships with men.

Speaker 1 (28:02)
Okay

Speaker 2 (28:17)
And I'm like, and look, literally, I mean, that was 10 years ago, 10 years ago. And I still remember that clearest day, the Lord being like, no, like you have this whole idea that you're being pure by putting all these rules in place, but you're like, you're really wounding the men around you. And so I remember I had like one of my guy friends, I had walked into the cafeteria and he goes, Bridget, he's like, you look so beautiful today. How are you? Like super platonic, not weird.

Speaker 1 (28:21)
I think.

Speaker 2 (28:44)
and I felt my whole body shut down. I was like, bad, bad, bad, right? Like, he's attracted to me or he thinks I'm pretty or what does that mean and am I a whore? Like.

super uncomfortable about it. And the Lord's like, uh-uh, we're not doing this anymore. And so I went back to him and I was like, hey, I said, I need to process with you. said, I'm actually really working on this. I felt really flooded. I actually didn't receive what you said to me. Could we try that again? Like I actually would like to practice receiving your care of me. And he goes, absolutely. He gave me a hug and it was just a thing. And then I remember I was TAing for a spiritual formation class. was me and this other guy. both ran small groups for freshmen.

He and I started working a lot together and he was just like, was basically telling him what I was processing. He was dating somebody. So was never a romantic connection. It was just like, Hey processing. And he goes, yeah, you're scary. I've, I've always really admired you, but I'm like, no way. Am I getting close to that? She, she has a wall up and she feels intimidating to talk to. And it was really devastating to me. I was like, gosh, like I admire him so much. I would love to.

partner with him in creative things around campus and different things. I was like, gosh, if that's his experience of me. I would work through that in counseling. I remember I went to a meeting with one of my – she was a pastor, a local pastor that was my mentor in college. I was sitting with a guy, one of the guys that we were talking to, and he was just like, are you angry? He's like, he's like, your face is like,

Speaker 1 (29:58)
Hmm.

Speaker 2 (30:17)
And so it just was like this whole breaking of, thought I was doing the pure correct thing, but I was so terrified of, I think it's actually, when we talk about this, to talk about what the fear is. And the fear is that there's going to be some sexual line that is violated. Right? That's the reason why we say, like, guys and girls can't be friends, which I now I really don't agree with.

Speaker 1 (30:39)
Hmm.

Speaker 2 (30:47)
I think I also want to be sensitive that if boundary crossing in male-female friendships is part of your story, if you have a history of an affair or just history of behavior where you violated your values, I think that this is a really great place to get support and it's a really great place to get curious. So I use the language a lot with my singles is understanding the difference between lust

Speaker 1 (31:08)
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (31:15)
and sexual activation. So sexual activation is just kind of that fuzzy butterfly feeling, but it's not even like a desire for sexual activity. It's your body coming online to feeling fully alive. The spark of like, whoa, I had a really great conversation. I felt valued. I felt seen. I felt all of those things. And when that happens with women, right, you don't think anything of it. You're just like, my gosh, I had this great conversation.

Speaker 1 (31:18)
Okay.

So it's...

Speaker 2 (31:45)
When that happens with men, we've been so indoctrinated that that rush of connection, we've automatically assigned it a erotic definition to what that is compared to. No, I actually just felt like I got pulled into the glory of being a woman and I actually got to witness the glory of him being a man. And so it's okay that I have what I'm calling sexual activation.

Speaker 1 (31:50)
what that means.

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (32:14)
I know that can be a little hard because it's still the word sexual and we have all these connotations to that.

Speaker 1 (32:19)
That's another podcast breaking that down.

Speaker 2 (32:21)
Yeah, I want to break the connotation that sexual does is not confined to sexual activity. Sexual is the embodiment of my femininity and a man's masculinity and how we dance with those things both platonically in friendships and coworkers and all of those things and how that would play out in a romantic connection or partnership. And so I think let's actually address the fear. The fear is that something is going to happen.

I think having really clear conversations within that connection, right? I have a lot of married guy friends to know that their wife feels really safe with me, that she knows that we're talking. I have a really sweet, friend of mine. He's like my big brother, that he doesn't live here. When he comes in town, he'll take me to dinner and we'll catch up.

His wife knows that we're there. It's not like this secret thing. But my body still gets hit with that. And I've had to process that with guys of like, no, I feel like I'm doing something bad. Nothing that you're saying feels like it's crossing a line for me. None of the way that I'm showing up feels like it's crossing a line. I just still have this religious stigma that something about this must be wrong or bad or all of those things.

And so I would say my story has been deeply, deeply wounded because of my lack of connection platonically to men as a middle school and high schooler. Being in a church environment where this was so, I don't even say that it was taught. I'm just going say that was the way my body experienced what I believe the boundaries were. It was really hard. And I think that's a very

You know, Andrew Bauman, I love his work. He talks about a pornographic style of relating. And typically when we talk about that, we talk about it in men objectifying women. But we don't talk about it in women objectifying men to think that the only reason why a man would want connection with another woman is for sex. That's a really degrading view of men. And I would say within the last probably two years,

Speaker 1 (34:17)
Mmm

Right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (34:42)
really digging into the beauty of men and the fact that men are equally designed for connection and play and fun and need for all of the emotional connection that women need. Like that's been really helpful for me to have friends with men because I can have a masculine perspective, but I'm like, you're not just after sex.

Speaker 1 (34:58)
Hmm.

Yeah, right, right. Well, and even thinking about all the things you're saying, it's very much resonating with me because I think I probably had the very similar experience and would often just shut it down or put a wall up. But even thinking about especially the topic that we're talking about, how many connections you could have missed or even like going forward once you started to work on that, that you wouldn't be able to.

invite and include in your life if that wasn't something that was brought to your awareness.

Speaker 2 (35:38)
Yeah. And I, as a single person who does desire to be married, and I know that's not every single person's desire, but I have a really beautiful picture to keep with me of a line of men that will line up and will have shown me bits and pieces of what I desire in a partner.

Right? There's pieces of this man's intentionality and this man's kindness and this man's safety and conflict and this, I piece all of those things together. And these are also men that I want to give their stamp of approval. Oh yeah. Like I, yes, that these men speak into the type of man that I will romantically partner with. Um, and so yeah, it's brought such goodness to my life. And yeah, the other way too, just to be able to, to grow and learn and.

Speaker 1 (36:10)
Right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (36:26)
and have all of those types of things. think be aware, right? Into, I don't want to be insensitive, right? I don't want to be insensitive to places where violation or pain has occurred because those are really real. I think about whenever I'm talking about sexual activation in whatever context that's in, whether that's in I saw a scene in a movie where I went, oh wow, blushed a little bit.

or had a conversation that sparked interest or saw an ad on Instagram or intentionally sought out explicit content or whatever the context is, right? It doesn't matter because your brain, sometimes I think of, think of your brain when you're talking about sexual activation as a toddler who doesn't have a social filter. So if you've ever been with a toddler and they go, hey mom, look at that person with the blue hair or hey mom, look at that person and you're like,

Speaker 1 (37:25)
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (37:27)
know how about us, right?

So your brain does that. Your brain goes, hey, hey, that's a sex thing. That's a sex thing. And you go, wow, thank you for that information. That's not how we're pursuing connection right now. And so for me, that's been really helpful in my own journey, but also helping with other people. I kind of walk people through a framework of how to pay attention to what's happening in that conversation, which for me,

takes a lot of the fear and the pressure off. I know that this topic, especially, right, because I am a single woman. I have single guy friends, but as a single woman, as a friend to a married man, what does that? And again, we just have lots of conversations. so, yeah, kind of talking through whenever I talk about that is four really good questions that you can use in any setting.

Speaker 1 (38:05)
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (38:20)
single married, whatever, four questions whenever you feel sexual activation is what is the story that is being presented to me? Right? So think about this a lot. Think about your favorite love song, right? I will always love you, right? What's the storyline in that? The storyline in that is that I'm not going anywhere. You can always count on me to love you. There's this piece of me that I can never...

Speaker 1 (38:31)
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (38:47)
I'm never going let you go. There's always a part of me that's going to be committed to you, that's going to love you, that's always going to hold you tenderly. That's the story. The second thing is how does this activation or this storyline impact my personal sexual formation story?

Speaker 1 (39:03)
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (39:05)
So right when I hear songs like that or, know, I'm right now I'm just going to talk about it in the context of a song, but we can talk about it. to go, like there are places in my childhood where I wasn't sure that my primary caregivers were a secure, safe place for me.

Speaker 1 (39:17)
Yeah, relations.

Mm.

Speaker 2 (39:29)
So the idea of having a masculine presence that says, can count on me, I'm not going anywhere, there's something activating about that. There's also something reenacting about that about my childhood. Good to be aware of. Right. Fourth question is, OK, what does that tell me, the activation, what does it tell me about what's missing in my life right now?

Speaker 1 (39:52)
Mm, mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (39:53)
okay. I use this a lot in dating. So I might have a couple of connections with a guy. He's very handsome. He's very kind. Deep down in my soul, I go, this is not the kind of romantic partnership that I want to pursue. Right? So I'm paying attention. What is the story that's being presented to me in his pursuit and initiation of connection with me? Okay, I'm going to talk that out with a therapist or a friend. I'm going to say, okay, what

is beautiful about what's being met and also being reformed or restored or reparented in my own formation story. Great, cool. Now I go, what's missing? I think I'm just missing time with men where I feel secure, which is where my guy friends come in real handy. Because I very easily could take that masculine need and say,

Let me just scroll through a dating app and get a bunch of men to notice me. Right.

Speaker 1 (40:55)
Yeah, because I need that.

Speaker 2 (40:57)
Or let me keep going on dates with a guy that I know is really not going to work out because whatever, whatever. So I could use that masculine need in an unhealthy way or in a way that doesn't align with my values or I could take it to my guy friends and just say, hey, missing you, how are you doing? Blah, blah, blah, blah. I have that conversation. I have that connection. I go, great. That is a way for me to show up to it in a way that is honoring, honest and...

honoring the values that I have in place. what's the story? How does that story impact my story? What's missing? And then that fourth one we kind of just covered, which is how do I go get this meet and met in a healthy way?

Speaker 1 (41:38)
Yeah, that's good. Well, because that's where the wall comes in place is we don't think we can get it met in a healthy way. That that sexual activation is being framed as us wanting a sexual connection. in reality, maybe we just want a masculine connection. Maybe we just want that need to be filled and it has nothing to do with sexual activity. That's so good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (41:46)
Yes.

Speaker 1 (42:07)
Yeah, because I think all of that, like those four questions, and I'll be sure to like list them in the show notes, because I think it's very easy, very tangible sort of like checkpoints to make sure you're guiding yourself in a way that is healthy and is actually honoring to what your needs are. Because if you don't know that, I mean, you're going to be misguided. You're going to form relationships that aren't actually going to fulfill that need.

Speaker 2 (42:13)
It's-

Speaker 1 (42:34)
And that's a whole dumpster fire. We're not getting anywhere with that. You're gonna waste a lot of time, a lot of emotional energy. Yeah, yeah, that's so good. something that you had said in that form I sent you that I thought, I mean, it was very concise. And you said, in singleness, you needed to have intentional, like you needed to be intentional about connection so that you can have that. So how do you do that?

What does that mean in Bridget's world to be intentional about connection in your singleness?

Speaker 2 (43:09)
Yeah. Yesterday I had a meltdown. Okay. I was really dysregulated and I even texted my friend. was like, I don't know where I lost me. Typically I can be like, oh, I know where I lost me, what happened? And I couldn't quite put my finger on it. And I have two dear friends that are in their sixties, couple that are in their sixties. And they're

Speaker 1 (43:34)
I love that.

Speaker 2 (43:38)
home here in Nashville has served as a safe haven for me. It's been the place that I can show up in my sweatpants and not wear makeup all weekend and wake up late and go for a walk and cook dinner together and have, you know, it's just been this like homey delicious place for me because I moved here and knew nobody. I left all semblances of home. I left not only in New York, but then I had built Community and Connection in Ohio and then that, you rebuilding.

And so they recently sold their house. And I would say I probably, have a bunch of children, adult children. I probably took it like really hard and I felt guilt about that. I'm like, it's not even my parents. It's not even my house. You know, it's not even all these things, but like this house has been a symbol of home to me. And so yesterday I just kind of kept processing, kept trying to stay with what's happening for me. There's a lot of loneliness, a lot of fear.

which led to like me freaking out about finances and my business is going to blow up. Like whenever I feel really lonely and unpartnered, I immediately go to, I'm not going to have any money. My business is going to fail. I'm going to die alone. And I'm like, okay, let's kind of like slow down and figure out what's happening here. And so I ended up chatting with the wife yesterday and I was like, I'm like, I just feel a ton of sadness. I'm grieving that my body right now no longer

has a physical location where I can go and know I'm going to be cared for. I recently transitioned out of a church. My Tennessee parents, right, they sold their home. And then I recently ended my time at a wonderful job here with a great community to put more time into my coaching. And so all of my tangible, I'm going to this place. And when I get there, people are going to hug me, people are going to love me, people are going to enjoy spending time with me. They're all gone.

Speaker 1 (45:08)
Mm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that was security.

Speaker 2 (45:36)
Yeah. And so I go, Ooh, wow. Like, first of all, I have to grieve that grieve that I don't have that. And there also is a definitely a narrative I think that's pushed from the toxic self help of you can't expect someone else to meet your needs or, know, that's unhealthy to whatever. And I'm like, okay, like, sure, when it's at the place of abandonment, but I were actually wired for connection, right? It's actually really good of me to need people.

Speaker 1 (46:05)
Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (46:06)
also really terrifying of me to need people. Even in sharing that, like, feel fear telling you that this move has impacted me the way that it has. And so I think in singleness, one of the ways that pursuing friendship connections have been so vital is because it's very easy in my routine of life to go long time, like long periods of time.

completely isolated. And for me, there's a difference between isolation or in my coaching program, what we call it is, psycholation. So psychological isolation that you can be with a lot of people, but not really being vulnerable or authentic with what's happening for you inside. And time being alone. As an introvert, I love time by myself. Time by myself is very different than

dying in a hole by myself, not allowing anyone to see me, not being authentic, not sending that text message. Even just sending that text message yesterday with my friend, thought, hey, I'm drowning today. I'm not really sure where I lost myself. My brain needs some time to come back online. This is really painful.

Speaker 1 (47:20)
Yeah. Well, and you sending that text message, for example, you're giving yourself the opportunity to have a record of that, right? I mean, that's because that's something that you said at the top of the conversation that that even if you aren't partnered, you need a record of your life. You need a record of memories and somebody to share that with. And so having those people that you can say, I'm drowning rather than.

just sitting in your house drowning, right? Like, I mean, that gives a record that gives us sharing a connection in the midst of all of that. And like you said, we're for connection. And so that can only help.

Yeah, yeah. And so, I mean, that's an example. Like you said, you just being authentic, being transparent, making those sort of emotional connections when you're struggling. But if we're talking even about like, you know, kind of maybe a little bit more surface level, how do you, how are you more intentional with connection in this season? Or maybe even what's your encouragement to other people that like they also

are experiencing singleness and feeling a lack of that connection, what would you say to them? What would be some encouragement of things for them to do to be more intentional with those connections?

Speaker 2 (48:38)
yes, my encouragement for singles is that we are too old to have lame friends.

Speaker 1 (48:48)
Yes! Okay.

Speaker 2 (48:50)
Okay. Yeah. cannot, we're too old for this, to be putting in time and energy with people that do not have the interest or do not have the capacity to partner with us. Okay. Again, this is the caveat that it's okay that you have different friends that are your go to concert friends or go for a walk. that's fine.

But please, please, please do not invest all of your emotional connection in trying to get the cool people, because we still feel that. We still feel like we're trapped in middle school in our bodies, right? If this person wants to be friends with me, then I'm good enough. If this mom wants to hang out with me, then I'm a cool mom. If this person, da-da-da-da-da, right? And so I think creating space and distance, if you are prone, I guess I would do this one a few ways.

If you're single and you're prone to being the type of person that always initiates contact, that probably would take a little bit of a step back.

Speaker 1 (49:50)
Yeah, give the opportunity for others and see what happens.

Speaker 2 (49:54)
And if you are single and you go, I'm terrified. think, right, we all have a little, both of them. I'm terrified. I need someone to help me put up my ceiling fan and I know I could text whoever and they could come over and help me, but I don't want to take up space. I'll just go pay for it. I'll just go pay to have that. Or, Hey, I need a ride to the airport. it's at, you know, six 30 in the morning. I feel guilt saying that I know. I think this is especially hard when you're friends with a married couple.

Speaker 1 (50:24)
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (50:26)
One of the things that is a foundational core value in my friendships that my best friend Julie taught me was do not say someone else's no for them.

Speaker 1 (50:34)
Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Yep.

Speaker 2 (50:37)
So to say, yeah, could have, and there are places and spaces where I think that partnership, I have a meal delivery service that I use when I need it, or I might have a Walmart pickup or things like that. Those are places that I, the dishwasher, right? Those are all places that I provide partnership for myself and singleness, but I don't want to automate all of my needs for, because I can in this world. I really don't need to, I don't need to go to the grocery store.

I don't need to ask for information. can look everything up online. But to really reach out and just to say,

I even like this weekend I'm thinking I need to go get my windshield wipers. need to get new windshield wipers. Can I do that by myself? I am a grown up. Absolutely I can go do that by myself. But I have a friend that I'm like, hey, will you come sit in the car with me while we go to AutoZone and I go have my windshield wipers replaced. Right? So it's not a big thing. She might say no to that and that's totally fine. She gets, she has the right to do that and I'm going to be okay. But I think reaching out for those small moments of

Speaker 1 (51:36)
Right.

Speaker 2 (51:46)
connection is really important is to continue to say hey and to make yourself available to you. To say hey, if you want to co-work, I'm going to coffee at this time or hey, I'm going for a walk at whatever. But then also I think, and I'd be curious to hear your perspective on this as a married friend. I have had the best success in friendship with my married friends, especially when they're in seasons of young kids.

Speaker 1 (51:59)
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (52:15)
I invite myself over. yeah. Like, yeah. Hey, I'd love to come over. I'm happy to fold laundry or I'm happy to go to the kids soccer game or whatever. doesn't have to be this big thing. I think breaking the misconception that adult friendship means we look cute at a coffee shop. Right.

Speaker 1 (52:35)
Yeah, we're going to dinner and drinks and yeah, that's fun. Yeah, Right.

Speaker 2 (52:39)
That's great and I think makes space for that. heard, this was years ago, I'm some shame that I can't remember who said it, but it was a woman who was basically saying, as a married woman, two single friends, there are places where I have to make sacrifices too. And so I do need to show up in friendship to my single friends and I need to say, I'm gonna pay for a babysitter tonight. And I'm gonna pay for babysitter or ask grandma or whatever to have that so that I can go out for dinner and drinks because my single friend has that space.

But there are also times, I think, for singles that feel so afraid of intruding on the family or feeling like they're a burden that they don't ask. And so obviously, I wouldn't do that with a stranger. Like, hey, I'm inviting myself over to your house on Thursday. But just also being brave in that to say, I have a lot of older couple friends that I love that are empty nesters now that I've gone over and said, hey, I'd love to come over.

Speaker 1 (53:21)
Right, just show it.

Speaker 2 (53:35)
I would love to see you guys." And she goes, well, we're making burgers tonight as long as you're okay with burgers and potato chips. I'm like, perfect. That's great. Yeah. Curious, what's your perspective from the married life with single friends?

Speaker 1 (53:50)
Well, I'm thinking about one friend in particular, and she's probably maybe almost 20 years younger than me. just having her come over, and she doesn't live as close as she used to, but when she would just come over, mean, my kids loved her. She has come to their soccer games. It's just nice to know that they're willing to come and do that. mean, that she does like hanging out with my family.

that she is okay to meet me where I'm at because it is a little bit harder for me to find a weekend to go to coffee or whatever. But for her to even say, when's the boys soccer games? I'll just come up and sit with you. Just even offering something like that to know that that's an option. Because I think it's easy for me in my head thinking, why would this 20 something want to come to a nine-year-old soccer game? Or why would she want to come over

Speaker 2 (54:26)
Yeah.

Yes.

Speaker 1 (54:49)
in the middle of the week when my house is chaotic and we're eating leftovers or whatever, you know? Why would she want to do that? She's a 20 something single that has all of these exciting things happening in her life. And I am a married woman bound by this schedule of my kids, right? But that's just me getting in my head and discounting the connection that we have, the connection that she enjoys, I think, when she is around.

Speaker 2 (55:07)
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (55:19)
my family and getting to be a part of it. And so that's something I kind of have like, I've had to step back and observe so I could let her in to that because I think I, you know, and now I will invite her, right? Like, hey, the kids are playing this weekend if you want to go or whatever. Like I am much more apt to do that because I see what that's like for just our friendship, not even for her or for me, but just how it's allowed more opportunity for that connection if I just sort of let that in.

Speaker 2 (55:48)
I love that. So good.

Speaker 1 (55:49)
Yeah, yeah. And so what I'm hearing, like when we're thinking about somebody that is single, somebody that is married and they're friends, just ask, right? Like, what do you need? Where can we meet each other? I need you to get a babysitter because I don't want to go to your house on a Thursday and fold laundry. Like, I want to go out and hear each other, see each other, make that known.

Speaker 2 (56:12)
Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, and I think Just a couple more like caveats for married friends. Mm-hmm Please pursue single people like please invite them into please don't sterilize your life I don't want to see your house perfect. Make sure sometimes that's great sure, but I don't want to see your life I don't want to see your marriage. Perfect. I want to see you and I think that for me a lot of loneliness the deep

desire for partnership can sure be filled in a cute dinner out with girls. But it's actually more in, I'm running to the store. Do you want to come with me? I can swing by your house. Things where as the married person, you might feel like, well, that's boring. The 20 something's not going to want to do that. It's like, yeah, they do. And that's single men or women. You might have single guys in your church community or wherever you work or whatever to say, come over and hang out with our kids. Even that, like was talking to my sister-in-law.

Speaker 1 (56:52)
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (57:11)
And she had heard me, I had done a podcast about singleness and she was like, my gosh, she's like, you have to ask people for physical touch. Well, you know, maybe if people have roommates, it's different, but like, no, like I have to be intentional if I'm cooped up in my house. I haven't been hugged in a couple of days. Like that's a problem. Yeah. And so, you know, even having like just kids to hang out with and to, love on them and to have that physical touch with them, snuggle babies or whatever it might be.

Speaker 1 (57:18)
yeah.

Speaker 2 (57:40)
It's really important and I think it's really helpful for the kids and their psychology. We can get a little, you know, scientific about it that kids know that there are other safe adults in their life besides mom and dad. Yes, they can trust that they can trust their you know, hardship with it. They can trust their body with that they can Lean in and just know that there are other safe people in my home that it's okay. And I think this is you know, too

when kids experience pain with mom and dad, that mom and dad know, hey, call whoever. you need to go for a ride today, you want to go ride a bike, it's okay. You can talk to, and you trust, right? You trust that those people are going to have your best interest and heart, that you're not sending your kid to somebody that's going to be like, yeah, you're terrible parents, right? That they're going to hold both sides.

Speaker 1 (58:34)
Yeah, you've developed that relationship, that reciprocity. love that. So, I mean, with the married friends, and like you mentioned, you your sister-in-law saying, you have to sort of be intentional about making sure you've been touched. I have a client that she said to me, she's single, and she said, I schedule monthly massages to make sure I have been touched. You know, like, not to say that it's a whole month, but to make sure that that's...

in my books that it's happening. And I think those are some things that, you like you said, married people aren't necessarily thinking about. Is there anything else that married people may not know about singleness and that they may be missing the mark just because they don't know and they could maybe have more understanding and be able to meet those needs differently?

Speaker 2 (59:23)
Yes. Never ever, ever tell a single friend that it's good that they're single because they can pursue X, Y, and Z with all of their spare time. Okay. Never. Why not? Ever, ever, ever.

Speaker 1 (59:39)
Tell us why not. Why shouldn't we say that?

Speaker 2 (59:42)
That's really painful and really disregarding to someone's experience because your experience. So loneliness, this is important. I love, I can nerd out on what emotions actually register in our body. So loneliness actually can show up as chronic pain. It's a dull, sustained physical manifestation of an ache that says, need partnership. So loneliness is not about

Speaker 1 (1:00:07)
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (1:00:09)
alone time. Just as someone married with six children can be swallowed in loneliness. I would say just really starting to o them, that's a term that we use in connection codes, which is, I hear you, I see you. I think I'm missing something there. Can you tell me more of what's happening for you?

Speaker 1 (1:00:17)
Absolutely. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (1:00:37)
And it doesn't mean that you shut down your experience. You might go, I would love to have Saturdays where I didn't know what to do. Right? But also to say, wow, I hear you. Tell me what happens for you on Saturdays. Well, I get up on Saturdays and there's no one in my house to wake up to. And then sometimes I feel shame because I've watched three episodes on Netflix instead of getting up and going for a walk like I could have.

Speaker 1 (1:00:50)
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (1:01:04)
But I just, I feel so lonely that I don't know if I want to walk by myself. You can go, wow, here you and maybe it's just that you're owing them. You're you're honoring their experiences. And I was, it's like, my gosh, like, well we're up by 6 45 because I got a two year old. And so by 7 30, we're out at the greenway. If you want to come join us, always know that just text me if you want to join. Great. Like being aware that both people's experience is real. Yeah. And I think one more thing on that.

this. I've like, because I have my two best friends, one is married, one is not. And so my best friend who is married, there are so many times and I know it is a little different because I am a relationship coach too. I get that that's a little bit different. However, I'm also human and know how to regard pain. And so there's something really beautiful about championing her marriage and honoring her pain and giving

Speaker 1 (1:01:58)
Mmm.

Speaker 2 (1:02:02)
insight and just holding that where she'll bring to me, she'll be like, hey, I had this misconnection with my husband and we're kind of straddling through this. I would love to process that with you. Right. And so just because someone isn't married doesn't mean that they don't have really powerful insight to share with you about what happens for you as a human being connected to another human. Right. And so for me, that feels really, really important to say of

let your single friends carry the weight of marriage with you. And single friends, please let your married friends carry the weight of your singleness with you because we need each other. whatever your romantic relationship status, like we are humans designed for connection that experience pain. And no matter what your relationship status is, that's going to be something that we all need each other for to grow.

Speaker 1 (1:02:51)
Yeah, so good. So Bridget, what would you say to your younger self about friendship based on what you know now?

Speaker 2 (1:02:57)
Yeah. I would say probably two things. Number one, yes, guys and girls can be friends. Okay, yes. number two, there are people who think the world of you. Do not try to keep burning love and friendship with people that just are missing it. And they're not because they're bad people. It's not because they're evil. It's just because

Speaker 1 (1:03:04)
That's what we're gonna do.

Speaker 2 (1:03:27)
For whatever reason, doesn't match. They just don't match each other and that's okay. But there are lots of people that do want to show up for you, that do want to care for you and that you will have so much fun being in their life as well.

Speaker 1 (1:03:42)
Oh, that's so good. So I have two questions. How do you take care of yourself well and how do you take care of your friendships well? I'd love to hear.

Speaker 2 (1:03:50)
Yeah, how I take care of Bridget well right now in this season is I do not start working before I've had my movement and my breakfast in the morning. Yesterday in my flooded everything, I was on the computer working on ebook through six or five in the morning and my friend was like, what's happening? Why are we on the computer? So I'm not saying I always do that perfectly, but I've noticed just a huge shift in

get up, I've been doing a – this is the first time I've had consistent Bible plan for the first time in four years of another podcast. I needed a pause to just reassess how I engaged with scripture growing up. It's such a conservative experience, but it's felt so fun to me. So I have this sweet old man that reads me scripture every morning in my ears. And so there a lot of times where I'll just lay in the dark in my bed and listen to that before I get up. That feels life-giving to me.

I found that if I start a podcast at early, that feels like too much input. I'm like, let's wait till we've eaten breakfast. We've got our sneakers on. We're out walking. So really just being aware of what I'm calling movement before media.

Speaker 1 (1:05:04)
I like the sound of that. That's good.

Speaker 2 (1:05:07)
And that has been really, really helpful to me in caring for myself. And then I have a local food company that does delivery services. They do all like healthy. You can pick your food. I have food allergies and stuff. pick that. And I'm not doing that every week, but having that once or twice a month where I know that I have meals that I can have or put in the freezer has been amazing to take care of myself. And that, I've loved it. And your other question was,

Speaker 1 (1:05:35)
How do you take care of your friendships well?

Speaker 2 (1:05:39)
I have a morning call with my two besties. because we're in different time zones, it's helpful because I can kind of stagger the, when it works. And so obviously there are days where it doesn't work, but I would say at least four or five mornings out of the week. we just kind of have that on rotation. We expect that one person's going to call or not. but those friendships are also secure enough that if for some reason the message doesn't come through, we'll catch you later.

But yeah, having those core people that we get to, we just process, this is what's happening in my world today, what's happening in your world today, what happened yesterday that still feels a little stormy inside that you feel like you need to regulate, how can we process through that together? having those two things in my mornings has been really helpful.

Speaker 1 (1:06:27)
Well, and having it scheduled, think that, you know, and like you said, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. You know, my best friend and I, I used to call her every Tuesday and, you know, she's listening, I'm sure. And she's like, you haven't been calling me on Tuesdays because, whatever. But that's, know, our backup plan is Marco Polo and we just use that when we can't have an actual conversation in real time. I think that just makes the difference when you have that already sort of built into your routine somehow because

Speaker 2 (1:06:45)
yes, I my

Speaker 1 (1:06:56)
you can count on that and you know that you'll have that time to unload or to process or just to talk about dumb stuff that's going on in the world. So that's good. Okay. All right, Bridget, what like you do, you have a coaching business. So if people listening are just eating up what you are sharing,

What is your ideal client? Like who would need to be reaching out to you? How do they do that? Like tell us a little bit about that part of your life if somebody wants to get connected with you in that way.

Speaker 2 (1:07:27)
Yes. So I would say where I'm spending the most time right now is with Christian Singles who are feeling like they do not have a safe place to unpack their belief systems around sexual desire. So to go, yeah, I don't even know how to talk about this or I feel like I'm like sneak reading books about it or listening to podcasts about it I'm not really sure I want people to know or I've read a bunch of stuff, listened to a bunch of stuff and it hasn't felt helpful.

Speaker 1 (1:07:42)
Okay.

Speaker 2 (1:07:57)
or has felt too permissive, right? It felt like, I read this thing and it felt like, that doesn't actually align with my values and how I wanna practice my sexual ethic. Or hey, I've done a little bit of healing work in my story, but I'm really wanting to kind of go back through some foundational memories and messages around my body, around relationships. And I wanna show up in singleness, whether that's my hope forever or my singleness as I pursue

dating and pursue marriage in a way where I can clearly articulate what's happening inside of me, learn to connect authentically to others. And I always say I want to pursue passion and purity without being weird about it. We can live a really beautiful, like I said, a really beautiful sexually connected life without sexual activity if that is in alignment with your core values.

Obviously, I'm not going to turn people away if you're married and you're like, my gosh, I would love to sit and hang out with you and process my sexual story. Of course, you can come hang out with me. That's totally fine. But yeah, that just feels really important to me. always say like, my dream for the world is that no one should have to have a sexual experience by themselves. And what I mean by that is that no one should have to navigate what happened for their body in moments of curiosity and moments of harm or violation or moments of

Speaker 1 (1:08:58)
Yeah

Speaker 2 (1:09:21)
a mutuality and connection within learning what I call the art of sharing your body and dating of like, how do I get spicy and sexy, but also honor my core values? What does that look like? Is that even possible? Can we do that? And so yeah, those are, love to those conversations, like I said, in coaching or on Instagram. I'm trying to do a lot of bite-sized pieces because I know these are really big topics. And so that's going to be the place to get just the free access to content of little trickles of

really big topics that we can kind of break into bite-sized pieces. So I'm trying to be intentional about that.

Speaker 1 (1:09:55)
Yeah, and it's good. What it did for me, it's like, I want more. I need to hear more about this because you do a really good job of giving that bite-sized content. But for me, I know it just made me ask more questions for myself. What does that mean? And just wanting to dive in more. yeah, following you on Instagram is a great place to start. And so if they're interested in working with you, can they just message you on Instagram? Is that a good

Speaker 2 (1:10:21)
Yes,

they can. We'll make sure it's in the show notes. I do a free 30 minute call. I always say that coaching or therapy is a lot like dating. It may not be the right fit and that's okay. I'm a certified connection codes coach and so we actually have a whole network of coaches that use kind of the same emotional health framework that I do that I've found really successful. So I always tell people if I'm not the right fit for you, I have a whole network of friends that I would love to connect you with that is the fit.

But no pressure, come and hang out, let's chat for 30 minutes. And if you go, wow, I want to learn more, we can talk more about that. And if you're like, cool, thank you for the information, I actually think I want to do elsewhere. That's actually did that recently with a person. It was really sweet. They had shown up and they were like, hey, these are the resources that I'm engaged with right now. This is how I'm supporting my dating journey.

and I looked at them and I said, I'm so proud of you. I actually don't think my services are helpful for you right now. I think you're actually really doing what you want and I wanna bless you to keep doing that. So I'm never gonna say yes to working together if it's not gonna be the most honoring thing for what your heart needs in this season.

Speaker 1 (1:11:23)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. Bridget, thank you. Gosh, I just love this conversation. I think it's gonna be so encouraging to people that are married, to people that are single, just hearing this perspective and hearing what friendship looks like for you and for other people that might be single at this time in their life. So thanks so much for your time. I appreciate it I'm just so glad to know you.

Speaker 2 (1:11:45)
Thank you, Candice.

Speaker 1 (1:11:48)
Gah, wasn't that such a rich conversation? There was so much in there that gave me light bulb moments. Not only in my own story, but also to better understand what friendship looks like in the lives of those that are in a single season.

So I want to make sure that y'all miss those four questions that Bridget talked through. So the four questions, if you're feeling sexual activation, I want to go through those again. One, what is the story being presented to me? Two, how does this relate to my own personal story? Three, what does this tell me about what's missing in my life right now? And four, how do I get that in a healthy way? I just love the way that Bridget walked us through those things. And y'all, this is exactly the kind of stuff that

she does in her coaching business and also what she talks about on her podcast. So because Bridget and I both come from a Christian background, I definitely identified with what she said about how religious stigma can get in the way of singleness and connection with others and how that just doesn't serve us well as humans because we are made for community.

There's so much in the show notes, please make sure you go over and check those out, especially Bridget's Instagram website and link to her new guidebook on value-based boundaries in dating. I loved how Bridget also talked about the importance of having a board of friends. I speak on this so much in therapy sessions with clients when we're talking about friendship is not one person can serve all purposes. And so it's so important to have a variety of different friends in different seasons of your life. And so specific

for those friends that are in a season of singleness. I just loved the way that Bridget touched on the importance of others bearing witness to our lives and how those in singleness really have to be intentional with making that happen for themselves. And so to also encourage those of us that are partnered right now.

think it's important that we notice those that are in a single season and that we make those efforts to connect with them and to integrate them into our lives in such a natural, beautiful way so that they can feel that sense of community. So take this information out, y'all, and let's make sure that we are taking care of those around us well.

The information included in this podcast does not replace that of your own professional therapy. If you believe you are in need of professional assistance, please reach out to the medical community in your area.